Anyways, for now, things are great in my life. My new job pays me more than any of my previous jobs, and I’m living in a great area. I’m excited about all of these changes in my life, but more than anything I’m still a little unsure and uneasy. I know I’m moving in a good direction, but I still don’t know where I am going or what I am doing. From time to time I find myself feeling as if there were something else I should be doing, somewhere else. As if there were some due date that I am not meeting, yet I am unaware of what that might be. I guess this is the part where I really do have to take some time to figure out my life and what I’m going to be doing with my time. I guess I’m still a little confused about it all. I want a family, I want a good paying job, I want a home, and a yard and a nice community that isn’t crowded. And I want to host a radio show with some good friends. I want to be a good father and a good husband and a supportive friend, and I want to serve those people who need help. That’s what I really want, in whatever form that might come in.

How’s it going? I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing and what you were up to. I don’t know why, but this week I’ve had this urge to talk to you. I can’t really explain it, but you haven’t really answered my text messages if you even got them. I’m going to be starting up a new relationship soon. I met this girl on eharmony and things are going really well. She’s a great person, and I like her a lot. She’s a lot like me, and the more like me I discover her to be, the more I like her. must mean I like me a lot eh? haha jk. Anyway, I’ve been opening myself up to her more and more and occasionally when I hear her saying things to me I am brutally reminded of many things that you have said to me. I hear your old words coming out of her mouth, and I can’t tell you how disappointing that is, because it means that whatever was wrong before was not with you or with us, but that it is with me. Yeah I am touchy-feely. it’s annoying, I get it. I’ll shut that door back and only open it for certain occasions, yeah I probably call her beautiful and compliment her way too much, I get that, I even get annoyed with that. I can’t help it though, when I’m with her she makes me so happy, so joyous I just want to tell everyone in the whole world and tell her a thousand times over that’s she’s perfect and incredible and so absolutely special to me. Maybe its because to a certain degree that is what I crave. Some sort of extra attention, some kind of special consideration. I’ve always wanted to be with somebody who wants me when I’m not around, but will still give me space to be away by myself sometimes. I don’t know, I guess I love too strong or too hard, but I never wanted the girl i was with to ever doubt who I wanted to be with. I’ve always desired something great and powerful and life changing and amazing and I guess i just never really considered that I’d eventually end up doing something mediocre. This girl is amazing though, but yeah I seem to be scaring her away by being too excited about her. Oh well, I don’t care, I guess I’ll just have to close that door and work on opening it only for special occasions. I guess what really scares me about her is that no one has sat in that special, personal, place in my heart since you have, ironically, the one person that was ever worthy to sit there was you and you were not the right person to sit there. It scares me to let someone that far in again. I don’t want to be hurt or be let down or called fat or be bossed around again. It’ not a controlling stake in my life, but its a pretty significant one. I’m scared, I’m a little nervous, and I’m really unsettled about it. She tells me that she feels the same way, but that my positivity and my confidence are comforting to her that I think this is a good thing, but I can’t be confident enough for both of us, especially when I am so frightened inside. I guess my big conundrum is that its really time to let go and to move on, but i thought I had already done that.  That special room in my heart still has some of your things in it, its quite the conundrum since you didn’t and still don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I haven’t been inside that room in my heart since you’ve been gone. I haven’t visited it, I haven’t opened the door, I haven’t aired it out, but this relationship seems like it could fit well in there, and it really scares me to crack that door open. I don’t want to do it. it reminds me of you, and maybe thats why I’ve been thinking of you and wanting to talk to you over this past week. I’m scared of someone finally stepping up to the plate and taking that spot in my heart. I’m scared that someone else might be capable enough to handle being inside that and being worthy of the trust that I had reserved for no one but you in my past. I don’t feel comfortable or happy pushing that button, unlocking that door that I had sealed after we ended. I never wanted to be with anyone that serious again, I just wanted to hook up with chicks and kick them out the next day. i was done with girls and every tiny little piece of bullshit that they bring around with them, but then I have to go and find this girl that doesn’t really carry around any bullshit and she has to go and prove to me that she’s an incredible, amazing and totally worthy person to be let into my heart. Yes I’m let down, yes I’m surprised, and yes I am more scared than ever. She’s somebody great. I started picking up on it from the first date. I hate it, I hate her for being so… great. I search for flaws to exploit them in my mind so I can justify keeping her at a distance, but around every turn I find her being more and more understanding/patience/positive/understanding/peaceful and happy. fuck that shit. Yeah, she’s around that corner too. There isn’t much this girl can’t do, she even shares the same disillusioned views on Christianity and drinking that I do. Ridiculous. it’s like god sent her right into my life to prove everything and every argument I had against women wrong. On top of it all, when I look at her pictures I judge her harshly as ugly, misshapen, stupid, bad skin, but when I’m with her and I look deep into her eyes I can’t ever deny that she is the most beautiful girl in the world. Yes, I am a bit of a coward. I am scared of her and I am fighting against letting her in deep. She doesn’t deserve it, she can’t handle it, but of course my biggest fear is that she can, maybe she can even do it better than you did. That scares me. You meant a lot to be, in spite of all the total bullshit you put me through and the frustration, there was some deep level of connectedness that tied us together and taught us to read each other’s minds even when we didn’t want to. I don’t know if I can or if I want to do that with someone else. Because we can already sort of do that, she is already reading my mind and my desires and playing games with me that I only ever dreamed of playing with my future wife. I hate how amazing she is. Fuck that girl. I never fucking thought that I would ever meet a girl like that again, i hate her so much, she is so perfect for me.  At the end of it all, I’m scared Jolene. She’s way too right for me. She’s gonna replace you, and everything we had will be gone and done for. Somehow, for some reason that scares me. I can’t explain it. She’s gonna replace you forever and there’s never gonna be another one like you. Am I letting go? or am I letting go of letting go? Whatever it is, its frightening to me, but I guess its better than talking to a ghost, because the you I knew doesn’t even exist anymore.

Josh

They called him father wisdom,

And they told me I should listen and absorb as much as I can,

So I listened and asked and questioned so as not to be dumb,

He told me a great many things about a great many things,

He warned me always about the importance of making wise decisions,

I followed him to the best of my ability to all the places he wanted me to go and led me to,

And more than anything else he warned me of the wind,

“The wind is a powerful and terrifying force that destroys men who are not ready for it”

So I tried to heed his warning, and I sought to prepare for the wind,

“For the wind hits all men in their life, and the only way for a man to survive is to be ready and to stand on his own against it”

So while others lazed around I began to gather my armor up,

I sharpened my weapons and my tools, I created armor and I listened for the whistling wind to come my way,

I watched as it flipped and threw other men around as they were found unprepared, but still I prolonged my wait for the wind as I continued to prepare,

I put in extra hours, extra time, and spent extra life readying myself to face the wind,

And yet the day has come when the breeze brushes across my face and then the full brunt of the wind whipped me hard and sent me reeling back,

To my surprise I found myself less prepared for the devastating blow than I had seen other men,

I was sent twirling about as the wind bashed me to the ground,

And now with a mouthful of dirt I can’t help but think…

“That son of a bitch old man, I did everything he told me to and I’m still getting served…”

A mere hope of what I wish could be,

But my dreams never match my reality,

And the life blood of this relationship I have yet to see,

It’s nothing more than a wish, a hope, a dream

A prayer prayed late at night, hoping that tomorrow things may seem,

A little more real, because your face I want to see beam,

Your hand in mine, your arms around me, this is my scheme,

But you’ve left me here, alone and forgotten,

as if I was only a distant friend or a stranger,

Someone not welcome in your inner circle,

I can’t keep going with someone who wants to ignore,

All thats left that we have to explore,

My life and yours I hope to share,

But my phone is all that meets me there,

I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to see

My dream slip away and cease to be,

But that is my life now, all I’ve lost,

With everything I do, I pay the cost,

So I’ll seek deferment and hope for the best,

Because I love you more than all the rest,

And maybe somehow I’ll pass this test,

By holding on to my raw deal,

Maybe that will make my dreams, just a little… tiny… bit… more real.

I wish I had you more

Or I wish I had more of you

I can’t tell you just how deeply you’ve affected me

How deeply I feel for you, placing my hopes into your basket

I don’t know if I should trust you fully just yet

Or if I should keep part of me for myself

I’m scared

I’m very very scared

Its so stupid

You live 25-30 minutes away, I guess its not that far, haha well its really not that far

But I guess my problem is the same problem I’ve always had with every girlfriend

I want to give you more, but you don’t seem to want to take it

I want you to give me more, because I desperately want to take it, but I secretly worry that it won’t be totally satisfying.

I am eternally engaged in the horrid, deceptive, and very rewarding pursuit of your heart

As I slowly find myself more and more confused as time rolls on

I don’t know if you are too comfortable with me or not comfortable enough

I don’t know if you want me or if you want to get rid of me

And the worst part is, I don’t even know if that matters at all

As it turns out the more I know and the more I think about it, the less I am sure of and the less confident I feel

Life and its lessons have taught me that confidence is something that is always beat down by its antagonist, humility

And the bigger that confidence is, the more painful it is when it falls

So I fight to have just the right amount so that if it ever breaks then I can manage the pain

But sometimes the confidence inflates faster than there is air going into it,

So it grows stagnant or starts to deflate and fall out of the sky

I still don’t know what to think of you, but it scares me to think that that’s the same thought you have of me

Words of affirmation are the key to my being, they are how I give and receive love best

But perhaps love is something we really just don’t understand at all,

It’s improper and flawed design has forced the ages to ignore its use in relationships from time to time

All I know is, tonight I am heart over head for you and I have fallen in love to you.